Always In The Chaos

With every pleasing moment of life, comes with it a sense of confusion; am I doing enough? This year is a very important year to me. It’s when all of the pieces fall together, or prayerfully, they do so. When I embrace the idiosyncrasies I exude wholeheartedly and lean into the character I was always meant to play – will my life turn out as I have always dreamed?

I thrive in variety and I accept change with flying colours. But what I fear most is not doing enough. And you can probably see that… Here I am with the name “eclectic”, meaning a person who derives ideas, style or taste from a broad and diverse range of sources - pretty much sums it up, does it not?

I attempt to create wellness ware necklaces, but I have trouble selling them. Instead of giving up, I add. I add a blog I barely know what to write on. I add a book I wrote under a pen name a year ago to sell, because I failed at selling it before. I create an idea for environmental subscription letters written from the lovely Mother Earth herself, Laurax. Still in the process of launching. I buy a heat transfer press for $80 and hope that I can make up the difference and into profit. I add and I add and I add. Until something works. Until something gives. Until all the seeds I planted erupt from the ground, all needing attention at once. And while most people crack under the pressure, I love it. A project is not worth doing unless it’s chaotic - because I bring the peace. 

My current employers can tell you… When the workshop is in shambles and there’s dirt everywhere - I go to work. I always forget to take a before photo (which kind of drives me insane), but the results are always marvelous and more efficient than before. The best looking gardens now, were the ones that were painful to even look at before. It needs to be in complete disarray for my mind to kick into full gear and give it my best. I thrive under chaos, because it doesn’t feel like chaos to me. It gives me purpose. 

For personal instance, I grew up in a happy home. My parents were fabulous and my brother was a gem. But my mother had a hoarding disorder, and my father only complimented this habit of hers by buying stuff and never really doing anything with the majority of it. So, one year, my family was going on a summer vacation (one that I decided not to partake in because of my work schedule). In actuality, I’d been planning for 7 months prior, each meticulous step and plan to clean out the one disaster room in the house and organize and move furniture to a more sensible and pleasing sight. So for a week, I’d wake up, work on the plan, go to my job, work there, clock out, get home, eat something, continue to work on the house (usually staying up into late hours of the night), and doing it all over the next day. The house was a subtle disaster prior to them leaving for vacation. To an extent, it was easy to ignore because we could just close the door to the one room - and poof! The issue was gone. But in the process, the house was a disaster. But it was planned to be so. I made it so that it could become better. And it did. Every book found a shelf. Every game was placed back in its spot. The floor was clean. The toys were organized. The office supplies were tamed. That was maybe five years ago… and today, you’d never know that I did anything there. 

Sometimes, things don’t work out how you planned them to. But you did your best. And I’ve never stopped trying. Even in the chaos of my adulthood, through the levels of depression and anxiety, through the confusion, through every opportunity, I have made it my goal to make peace with everything I have put my hand to. 

I would really like to be engaged this year. To start my life, truly. I really want to do something great. To prove them all wrong. But really, I just want to live in peace.

I want the judging eyes to stop, not because they’re not judging anymore, but that I am distanced that I don’t care to look. Their opinions don’t bother me because they’re not important enough to think about. 

I didn’t go to further my education. Well, actually, I did. But it didn’t turn out so well. I switched my studies multiple times until I finally quit. I prefer hands on chaos to then make something beautiful. But at this stage of my life, I would just like one pay off. 

God, if it’s possible and within your will… Could I just have one pay off? One success, one moment to relieve the stresses of doing enough. You’ve provided for me thus far. Please continue onward with direction and purpose. Please, God, I need your help for all my days. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.